“We’re getting too serious. Can we go back to talking about poop again?”

Missing my love.

Just the way you smiled in anticipation of coming back home.

Gets me cheesin too.

“With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it”

Your head will collapse but there’s nothing in it and you’ll ask yourself ‘Where is my mind?’

Even when I was 18 I don’t remember being this naive yet seemingly so self-assured to the point of risking the feelings and stability of your whole family, your well-being, that one unwavering rock that you know you can count on.  You want to be selfish and prove yourself as an adult but let’s see you walk on your own. You don’t think he will crumble being on this path full of manipulation and false promises? You don’t think a little bit of thanks and a little bit of humbling is something you need? When I don’t do a thing to cause this tension and all you do is feign interest and dissipate that into shutting yourself out for no reason I can’t help but not have any heart to support you. How can you love someone when you’re not a mature state of mind, how can you be in love with someone that’s so blatantly obvious in living in manipulation and naivete? A real man doesn’t take advantage of that, a real man finds someone equal to him, not someone that can worship him rather than love him.

You know how you can just do the best you can in a relationship but all you want is to be so much more, to have that perfect relationship and to be so desperately liked by those that play an important factor in his life. I can’t help but take that overly eager part of myself to please and spoil and relay that to his family especially when family is the most important thing to you… but I can’t help feel like I’m being underappreciated and (maybe it’s my paranoia thinking this but-) treated like a laughing matter when I’ve done nothing to deserve this.

I guess all you can do is the best you can and concentrate on the relationship on hand. Sometimes family and unanimous approval and joy feels so important but when you’ve given 110% and more yet it’s not enough you can’t let that get into your head or else self-sabotage comes into play.

You might be protecting your golden child but you fail to realize that he’s got the sun at hand and that brightness and warmth won’t always be available to extend to you in all that iciness you emanate back.

wowicangetsexualtoo:

i’m gonna stay eighteen forever 
so we can stay like this forever 
and we’ll never miss a party
cause we’ll keep them going constantly

(via joeymuffin-deactivated20200407)

Time hollow.

Funny how hollow time can be when you think you’re destined to live so stagnantly and solo. I’ve been a bit inactive on here. I remember there was time I a was constantly on tumblr being inspired to create or just have something to humor me. I’d meet new people, talk about common interests, learn something new even amongst the trolls and shallowness that often prevails on the web. I remember in the sea of reblogging I would write here and there, kept them cryptic and nonspecific enough to keep others oblivious but enough to spark some memory in me to recall a specific time. I ran across the posts leading up to my first date; I had described the uncertainty and the nerves and the doubt of it all. It’s funny to see the nerves turned to disappointment then to curiosity then to doubt all over again although a completely different set of thoughts ran through my mind at that point. I don’t think I ever updated for myself, which disappoints me a little since I had always kept a constant record since elementary and high school with my journals and later shifted that into recording through social media. The last year and a half has been whirlwind of emotions and experiences. A lot of anticipations, expectations, and maybe some letdowns that have shaped how I view relationships and that exhilarating yet frightening experience with love. There was a lot of unrealistic thoughts I had previously with how a relationship should be.. and a lot of placement and reliance on what other people think. It comes with being a people pleaser. That comes with insecurity.

But what I have learned the most is that finding your soulmate comes with time, it comes with learning about someone and taking the time to incorporate them into your lives, and it comes with falling in love. Even after dating this long I still get those butterflies and smile with every little text or indication that he’s thinking of me too. What takes me through a long day is knowing that at the end of the night I’ll have him to talk to about the day as we both fall asleep with each other lingering in our thoughts. I feel his love running through my veins throughout each day and I wake up every morning wanting him more than anything. Knowing you have found someone so in sync and so perfect for you in such a hectic and colossal world is something that uplifts you and leaves you feeling so thankful and blessed. It’s knowing that you can talk about anything without fear and also be so excited and looking forward to share any news however tiny it is with that person. It’s how he can laugh and be amused by me being myself and not feel pretentious or annoyed. It’s how I reveal the most embarrassing secret or share things no ones else knows about me and he still laughs or beams at any new information gained. It’s how I want to learn every little thing about him like his first memory in his life or where he spent his days eating lunch in high school. How I can gab nonstop and he doesn’t get bored; how he’ll laugh and encourage me to keep talking as I go on and on. It’s that light and airy feeling in my body with every breath I take knowing how lucky I am to have him in my life. And above all even with the waiting and the limits on the physical aspect of our relationship, he remains the best friend that I look forward to spending my future with. Even with all my accomplishments it almost feels empty without having someone special that I know is most proud of me and that I can call all mine. It’s a frightening thing- love, but I am so incredibly happy to have this journey begin so perfectly and with him out of anyone.